Crash Course for Wannabe Princes, or Adventures Into Adult hood
by CelianAdellanie
Summary: One day when they realize how lame Tsuwabuki is as Nanami's lackey, Juri and Miki take it upon themselves to train Tsuwabuki in princedom. A two-shot for cypsiman2, the second part coming soon because it ended up being much longer than I realized. XD Not sure if crackfic or satire. Both?
1. Chapter 1

**A Comedy in Two Parts for cypsiman2**

Disclaimer: If only I did own SKU. *sigh*. Just jesting. I'd make a mess out of it anyway

"Nanami-sama, let me take your bag!" Tsuwabuki offered, not unlike a golden retriever in his enthusiasm. The stand-in Student Council President dropped her heavy Longjump saddle-purse into his arms without a second glance. His knees buckled, but with great effort Tsuwabuki stood again and straggled after her onto the main balcony of the Student Council Room.

"He's doing it completely wrong, Mickey," Juri whispered, rubbing her temple in frustration. "He's acting more like a footman than a Prince."

"He's very smart, though. I've been tutoring him in my spare time," Miki replied, writing in his notebook thoughtfully.

"Come on, Mickey," Juri smirked. "Intelligence does not equate common sense." Miki grumbled to himself.

"You're right, of course, Miss Juri," he still said. At that moment, Nanami swept up to the table and sat down with as much attitude as she could muster. The bonfire that had been growing, unnoticed, on the table, suddenly exploded.

"Whew!" Nanami explained, fanning herself. "So hot. Tsuwabuki, go get a fan!" The boy obliged. Meanwhile, Mickey was fishing a remote out of his suitcase. He handed it to Juri.

"When did you start carrying that suitcase?" Juri asked.

"Well," Mickey grimaced, turning red, "I got into an," he cleared his throat, "shall we say, unpleasant situation. I figured I needed better protection that a music notebook." He looked extremely determined.

"You look like a schoolgirl, Mickey," Juri laughed. Mickey turned pink, puffing his cheeks out.

"It's not funny, Juri!" he protested.

"I know, I know," she said to pacify him.

"What isn't funny?" Tsuwabuki inquired, holding a remote-control helicopter.

"Nothing, nothing," Juri said.

"You two!" Nanami harrumphed. "Corrupting a pure mind!" She turned to Tsuwabuki, and glared. "A helicopter toy? How childish! How's that going to help me get away from the heat?" Tsuwabuki visibly wilted.

"Just sit inside. It's not as hot there," Miki advised practically. "Here, Tsuwabuki. Let me have it." In a manner of seconds, Miki's remote control synced with the toy. Juri took the remote and started flying it in circles around the fire. Tsuwabuki watched it doggedly, his eyes glue watching its spiraling path.

"I never!" said Nanami. "Aren't we supposed to be working on Student Council duties? Grown up things?"

"That's a lot of hot air," Juri commented wryly. The helicopter plummeted and was quickly eaten up by the flames. Juri frowned, and Miki rushed to click his stopwatch. "Oy, Tsuwabuki?"

"Yes, Upperclassman Arisugawa?" he answered.

"Our little Mickey Mouse here is a little concerned. He noticed while calculating class ranks for elementary school you slipped from first to second place," she told him sternly. Miki moaned.

"Ha ha," Tsuwabuki chuckled nervously. "I've always been second place."

"Tsuwabuki!" Nanami said. "That's horrible! You need to keep up your grades."

"Don't worry, Miss Nanami," Miki pacified. "I've decided to tutor him full time." He smiled at his stopwatch.

The next day, Sunday, saw Juri bright and early knocking on Miki's door. After several minutes of leaning gracefully on the doorframe and another several trying to make sense of the shouting going on inside, Juri forced the door open just as Miki was opening it. He was bleary-eyed, his hair sticking up all over the place. A kitchen knife came whizzing past his head. Juri caught it deftly, spinning it in her fingers, then just as quickly hurling it back in.

"So sorry, Upperclassman Arisugawa," Miki yawned, bowing at a perfect ninety degrees even in his sleepiness. "My sister Kozue had some friends over for a party. Ow!" He hopped up and down, his toe throbbing from the ladle that had just smacked his foot.

"You must be tired when you're calling me by my last name. How do you even get any sleep in there?" Juri wondered, closely the door behind Miki before any additional implements came sailing through the air. She ruffled Miki's hair, her face serious. "Your hair looks like a bird's nest."

"They're usually worse, these parties," Miki admitted sheepishly. "Last time they got ahold of my competition swords. It ended with my sabre twisted in a knot, my epee broken into pieces, and my foil stuck in the ceiling. It's a miracle I got the two hour's sleep I did." Juri winced at the use of the word "miracle". Miki straightened. "All right. What do we need to do for the fencing club today?"

"Nothing," Juri said. "Over half the team is on the school trip. I thought we would visit Tsuwabuki." She started walking towards the elementary school dorms, and Miki followed. "He's got to be taught to be a true Prince. He looks a fool."

"That's your reason?" Miki inquired. Juri nodded. She rapped sharply on Tsuwabuki's door, having used her influence as treasurer to obtain his dorm room number.

"Miss Juri, should we really be taking advantage of the school system like this?" Miki asked nervously. "I'm pretty sure we're not allowed to do this. Taking school funds and such."

"Really?" Juri scoffed. "Now, Miki. How is this any different than hacking into the school database to get all the information on Himemiya Anthy?"

"H-how did you know?" Miki stuttered. Juri only smiled bitterly.

"Good morning, Upperclassmen!" Tsuwabuki greeted. He looked from Miki to Juri, confused by the enigmatic look they were both wearing.

"Ready, Miki?" Juri asked.

"Mmm!" Miki replied. Each grabbed one of Tsuwabuki's arms and marched him down the dorm hall. Mari was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, but they kept going.

"Sorry, Mari!" he called over his shoulder as the two hustled him into a scintillating maroon Lamborghini with indigo wheels.

"Where did you get this car?" Miki asked as they zoomed off.

"A gift," Juri said, tossing her hair. "One of my modeling patrons gave it to me. Said it was a revolutionary model." The car stopped as soon as it had started, or so it seemed. They were in front of a shop, rose-paned windows filled with all sorts of props. "First stop, hair."

"Waugh!" Tsuwabuki exclaimed when they pushed him into the shop.

"Welcome to the Ohtori Drama Club's Prop shop, Rose-Colored Glasses!" a bouncy girl with her hair in a ponytail welcomed. "Not many notice our boutique. Happy to entertain you! Extra! Extra! Extra fifty percent off for you! What are you looking for?"

"A wig for this boy," Juri said.

"Alright then! Just call me Miss C. Miss A and Miss B in the wig department will help you," she directed. Just follow the signs." A bright light shone on Miss C, blotting her out. Tsuwabuki blinked once, twice, thrice.

"Lead the way, Princeling," Juri said. "You need courage."

"Arrogance," Miki added, and Juri nodded approvingly. Tsuwabuki started walking resolvedly with the pointing finger signs as his guide. The deceptively small store had thousands of wigs in the back corner. Miss A and Miss B pounced on Tsuwabuki.

"Hello!" they chorused. "Do you know, do you know, do you know what you want?"

"A wig please," Tsuwabuki said.

"What about this one?" Miss A said, bringing a short pink wig, the locks styled boyishly but stylishly.

"Too naive," Juri said, shaking her head.

"This one?" Miss B offered, proffering a lilac wig with soft layers.

"Too worldly," Miki shuddered.

"What about this one?" Tsuwabuki held up a short black wig.

"Absolutely not," Juri said. "If you are going to be a prince, you have to look noble. Short hair brings the opposite of a commanding presence. Do you want to look just like any other student?"

"My research confirm it," Miki continued, lecturing, "those with short hair are, statistically, considered 100% less bishonen."

"This is it." Juri handed Tsuwabuki a long blonde wig. Miss A and Miss B helped him put it on. "Yes." Blonde locks flowed past Tsuwabuki's shoulders. The cut Juri had chosen wasn't too girly, and Tsuwabuki was already starting to look more Prince than boy. "Moving along." They zipped out of the store, only stopping for Miki to pay the bill.

"Huh," Miki said, observing Tsuwabuki in the car. "Something's kind of off about your clothes."

"True," Juri agreed. Tsuwabuki shrank from her critical gaze. "You need princely garb."

"What about a Student Council uniform?" Miki suggested. "Princely, but easy to find."

"That'll have to work for now. Meanwhile, Tsuwabuki, give me two hundred crunches."

"In the car?"

"In the car."

At the end of the day, Tsuwabuki looked the part of a Prince. The three sat around the Student Council table, pleasantly tired. Tsuwabuki yawned, stretching his arms to the sky.

"By the End of the World!" Juri cried. "You have no muscle. Do you have some sort of hidden strength that allows you to carry all of the Cow's baggage?"

"The Cow's?" Miki asked quizzically.

"Never mind that," Juri said. "Tsuwabuki, we are having an arm wrestling contest right now. But finish your milk first." He gulped down the beverage obediently.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Miki hedged.

"It's fine," Tsuwabuki said, working on the arrogant tone they had been teaching him.

"Start!" Juri said, and she and Tsuwabuki's locked hands pressed. Juri's eyes glinted, and within a second, she had pushed Tsuwabuki's arm down. He yelped. Miki clicked his stopwatch and wrote down the time.

"That was 1.998 seconds," Miki reported. Tsuwabuki laughed nervously. "It's okay, Tsuwabuki. No one can beat Juri at arm wrestling. I mean nobody. Touga broke his arm last time trying to win."

"Really?" Tsuwabuki asked in wonderment looking at Juri's triceps. They weren't uncommonly developed.

"Indeed. Except we don't know if it's intimidation or strength that wins the matches for her."

"Am I intimidating?" Juri asked Miki with an evil smirk.

"Well, not to me," Miki said, trying to nonchalantly wipe sweat off his brow.

"What ever the case," Juri said, "tomorrow, you, Tsuwabuki, fencing hall. One can't be a Prince if you don't have the physique."


	2. Chapter 2

**Yup, this is later than I thought it would be. But it's here!**

"Oh no," one of the fencing team members sighed, shaking his head. "Captain Arisugawa is bullying an underclassman. It's like Kaoru Miki all over again, except this time, I don't think there's any romantic feelings. He's just a kid." Miki stepped in to help Tsuwabuki fight off Juri.

"You're wrong," another said, pushing back his indigo locks dramatically. "He's their child. But I'm the father."

"Really?" everyone said, turning towards Ruka.

"Oy, Ruka. Stop sowing idiotic rumors!" Juri shouted across the court.

"You heard me?" he called.

"I wish I hadn't." Juri didn't stop her relentless pursuit of Tsuwabuki.

"Be nice to our son!" he called.

"You're next after Tsuwabuki!" she cried, backing Tsuwabuki against the wall. The poor boy trembled but kept a stiff upper lip. Her foil bent against his chest. "And I won't just be using a foil."

"Rawr!" Ruka laughed. Miki scratched his head sheepishly, looking back and forth between Juri and Ruka. He took out his notebook and made a note, frowning. He started biting the edge of his pencil, then stopped as soon as he realized he was forming a habit. "What you writing there, Scholar?" Ruka asked congenially, putting an arm around Miki's shoulders. Miki turned red, flustered.

"Just notes. Don't bother me, please, Upperclassman Ruka."

"I'm just being friend—oof!" Ruka had been smacked in the stomach with a practice sabre.

"And that's how you do it," Juri said, handing the sabre to Tsuwabuki. "Easiest move to get a player from bothering a Princess."

"I see," Tsuwabuki replied, accepting the sword seriously.

"It happens quite often, so you don't have to stage anything. Miki can vouch for that," Juri said.

"I'm not a Princess!" Miki protested earnestly.

"Then why is Kozue tougher than you?" Juri asked, smiling.

"Interesting," Tsuwabuki said. "If you're a cat, he's like a toy you found."

"From the mouth of babes," laughed Juri. This time it was Tsuwabuki's turn to pout.

"You would know, wouldn't you, Miss Juri?" Shiori asked, joining the conversation. "You have so much experience with little boys." She shot Miki a scathing glance. He blanched.

"Actually, I believe that you taught me all I know. In lies and in truths," Juri responded coldly.

"Watch out for her," Miki whispered to Tsuwabuki. "She's what you call a Witch."

"A witch?" asked Tsuwabuki.

"A Princess gone bad."

"Funny, Juri," Shiori said, stretching out the Leopard's name to emphasize the lack of honorific. "Everyone always calls you the Ice Queen, but you seem to have more flame than frost."

"I'm not in the habit of listening to others I deem idiotic," Juri said coolly. "Especially when it comes to miracles. Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do. Princes don't just appear out of the blue." She started walking out with Tsuwabuki and Miki. "The rest of you, practice is called off for the day."

"Do you have authority to do that?" Ruka asked. "I'm the Captain."

"Not anymore."

"Wha?" he yelled, outraged.

"Your idiotic ego turned in the resignation form." Juri closed the door with satisfaction. "Where to next, Miki, after we change our outfits?" Miki checked his notebook.

"The cafeteria."

"Now, Juri said, filling Tsuwabuki's plate, "as a Prince, you must eat only the finest steak, and lots of it." Tsuwabuki's eyes grew large as Juri added another steak onto his plate on top of the first, and then three more onto her own plate. "But you must not eat it crudely. You must eat it with the greatest care and deportment, with style as if you were modeling. Mickey will show you how." She added a steak to Miki's plate.

"Um, Miss Juri," Miki protested. He looked down at the meat on his plate and then gulped. "I don't eat steak. My stomach gets upset."

"See?" Juri said. "A Princess."

"Actually, I do eat steak," Miki interrupted, wearing a determine look. They sat down, and Miki tucked his napkin into his collar. He took a sip of water, closed his eyes, thanked Dios for the food, and began to cut the steak. He breathed a sigh of relief upon finishing the first cut. He hiccuped, but nevertheless put the piece in his mouth as properly as one could wish. Chewing efficiently all the while, he gave Juri a pointed look as if to prove that he was capable of eating steak in a Princely manner.

"There," he said upon finishing the steak. Tsuwabuki was watching him with a mixture of admiration and incredulity on his face. "And don't forget," Miki told him, holding up a green herb, "to always leave the parsley on your plate." Tsuwabuki nodded emphatically, but his comprehension turned to alarm as Miki's face turned green.

"Are you alright?" he asked Miki. Miki put a hand to his mouth to stop from retching.

"Yes."

"No you're not," Juri corrected, standing and grabbing Miki's collar. "You idiot, trying to look tough. You eat, Tsuwabuki. I'm going to help Miki to the washroom."

"You're allowed in the men's restroom?" Tsuwabuki asked, aghast.

"No," Juri said, "but Princes have to break rules for the greater good." She picked up Miki, princess-style, and marched off to the restroom, leaving in her wake a few hundred gobsmacked students. Tsuwabuki blinked once, twice, then cut into his steak.

"Oy! Tsuwabuki-kun!" Utena called, hurrying over to sit next to him. Tsuwabuki noticed than Utena was carrying on her tray, not a steak, but the Purple Pleasing Princess Parfait, a dessert made with blackberries, lavender cookies, and vanilla bean ice cream with sparkly syrup. "How are you doing?"

"Pardon me, Miss Tenjou," Tsuwabuki said, "but why are you eating that?"

"Himemiya realized she didn't want it," Tenjou said, shoveling a spoon of the dessert into her mouth, "so I told her I would eat it. No need to waste calories. I'm helping out the girl's croquette team today after school."

"But… that's not a lot of exercise, is it?"

"It's still exercise. I also wanted to practice fencing. I don't even know the difference between a foil and a saber." Utena scratched her head, laughing.

"How is it?" Tsuwabuki asked, pointing to the parfait.

"It's terrific!" Utena replied, her eyes dreamy.

"No steak?"

"Naw. Too fatty for me. Hey, what would you think, Tsuwabuki, if I got my hair cut really short? Like, boy-short, you know? Oh, and are you cosplaying as Nanami or something?"

"Don't cut your hair, and I'm learning how to be a Prince, thank you very much."

"That's swell! I can teach you how."

"No, need, Princess Tenjou," Juri said, putting a miserable Miki back into his seat. "We're teaching him." Tsuwabuki nodded emphatically.

"They know so much more about being a Prince than you do," Tsuwabuki remarked.

"Teach me!" Utena said, turning to Juri, her face pleading and her blue eyes watering.

"Oh my," Anthy said, appearing from out of nowhere as she so often did. "I suppose you'll have to say yes, Miss Arisugawa."

"Oh, fine," Juri grumbled, "although I don't think your naivety can take it."

_Six Months Later at the Arisugawa-Kaoru School of Princehood_

"So how much did we make this month?" Juri asked Miki, sitting back in a chair carved with lilies and butterflies.

"Five billion yen," Miki replied, "after income tax." He handed Juri the account books.

"Not bad at all." Juri smiled. "Akio Ohtori's school is going down. Gotta hand it to Tenjou and Tsuwabuki. This is a lucrative business."

Miki pursed his lips. He wasn't telling Juri that the profits only lasted as long as she maintained proper morals.


End file.
